My life changed the day we found out Alexia had cancer. My whole life changed the day we lost her to cancer. I did not even realize the impact and how it changed my relationships then and my future relationships. I wanted to write about particularly how it changed the relationship with my kids and my parenting.
When we lost Alexia we only had Adam at the time. After he lost his sister I did everything I could for him so he would not feel any pain. I tried to hide my grief because I did not want him to feel inferior to her. Anything he wanted I bought. Any minor inconvenience in his life I took care of. I think I remember a time where he was sleeping and I got him dressed for school so he did not have to… normal for a toddler but not for a 7 year old. I even put his shoes on.
Fast forward to now, 7 years and +2 kids later (Adan and Alix) I find myself in the same habit.. over compensating for every little inconvenience in their little lives. You dumped all your toys out and I asked you to pick them up but you don’t want to? Its ok I will clean your mess, I make bacon and eggs and you want crepes? Ok mommy will make you crepes, Don’t like dinner tonight? I’ll make you whatever you want, I yelled at you for not listening? I am so sorry let me buy you a new toy…
When it comes to health I fear taking them to doctors. I know some may think I would be a hypochondriac and freak out about every little symptom but I try to avoid doctor visits if I can because I am not strong enough to hear that my child has a health problem. It is not like I try to hide from the possibility, it is more of if something is wrong and the doctor tells me I wont be able to hide my anxiety from my kids and that will scare them. Which leads back to protecting them against inconveniences, pain, fear and any hurt.
Last week I took Adam to the dentist to get his last baby tooth removed. What should’ve been a 20 minute procedure turned into 3 hours because they ended up finding a golf ball sized cyst above that tooth. I was freaked out and tried to hide it but the fear was written all over my face and the kids immediately picked up on it. That led to me feeling guilty. I felt so much fear and hurt in my heart for Adam anything he asked for or I thought he would ask for I bought. I did his chores for a few days too.
Recently I took Alix to the optometrist. We found out that she only sees blurry in one of her eyes and the other is overworking so she can’t make things out. She did glasses for a month and no improvement so now they want her to do patch therapy. That day we were told she needed patch therapy I bought her a new ipad.
The health problems my kid’s are currently facing I put the blame on myself because I was unable to stop it and that is why I go beyond just comforting them. From the outside looking in I know my kids are spoiled but from my eyes it was my way of protecting them. I know I over compensate for things out of my control and I need to learn to comfort them over buying them. I know they need the life lessons in the long run but the loss of Alexia makes me want to protect them from whatever negative emotions they may have.