I did not sleep at all. Everyone kept telling us to get rest but how could I sleep? When 7 am hit I had to call the Cancer clinic to tell them Bug would not be able to make it to her appointment. They asked when a good time would be to reschedule and I said we won’t be rescheduling and she asked me why… my response was “she died” I know that was a harsh way of saying it but I did not know anyway else to word it. “she is no longer with us” was too indirect. As far as the clinic knew she was on happy, healthy and just 2 treatments shy of remission. And they would not understand if I wasn’t so blunt.
Then I had to make the call to JetBlue and cancel my flight. I had to explain to call center operator that I was supposed to be flying with my daughter and she died.. I have worked in a call center and you never expect calls like that nor are you trained. My flight left in 24 hours so she told me that I needed proof that was the reason to get refunded so I needed to reach out to the hospital and have them call JetBlue. It was less than 6 hours since she had passed and I had to ask the hospital for proof… I told her that I understand the procedure but I could not do it. I have not even processed what happened or what I was doing and she told me to just give her the hospital information and she would get the info she needed and email me.
You are probably wondering why I even would call these places less than 6 hours of the events. While I was up for hours I kept replaying everything in my head and I needed a distraction to try and be normal and keep my mind occupied. Plus I was avoiding planning a funeral.
My mind and body finally reached exhaustion and next thing I hear is a knock at the door. A woman comes in and introduces herself and explains she is from CPS and needs to interview us. We go to the backyard and she is asking questions about everything and again I am forced to explain and relive everything that just happened 6 hours ago. I know that she had an idea of what the events were and I remember having to tell the story as I had told the hospital. I know that if I added or missed a detail it would seem suspicious. She did not even know Bug had cancer and was going through treatment until the end of the interview.
The rest of the day was a blur of a nightmare. I would have fits of crying and screaming, I could not eat, people came to pay their respects and I did not know how to act. I was heartbroken but felt the pressure of acting normal around people. I felt like I was suffocating and could not even have the air to grieve. Do not get me wrong I appreciated all the love and support we received, I just did not know how to juggle expressing gratitude and grieving.
The cause of her passing was still unknown. The only thing that was suspected was that Bug overdosed on Benadryl.. I was the one who gave her the extra benadryl. I could feel that everyone around me was convinced that was what happened, even Anthony. They knew it was not intentional and that I was just trying to relieve the pain she was in but I made the decision to give her the extra dose that I thought she did not consume because she did not hold it down. Everyone was comforting me but I felt the guilt that it was all my fault. We would not have any answers until the autopsy which would take at least 3 days…