Bug's Life

Bug’s Life: Saying Goodbye

January 31, 2019

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The ride to the hospital felt like a movie dream. We were moving and everything around me was moving but I felt still. When we got to the hospital they took her straight to an emergency room and nurses and doctors rushed in. I was left alone for a moment. Then someone approached me and started asking me questions about her medical history and I told her all the events that happened that day. Anthony and my in laws came soon after. I do not remember much of what was being said I zoned out in a panic. I would imagine it felt like a paranoid high. I turned around and I seen a man approaching me with a jacket that read “Special Victims” and at that moment I knew that she did not make it. I remember screaming and falling to the floor in the middle of the ER.

It was one giant blur after that. I do not remember how we got there but we ended up in a room and my sister in law walked in. I do not recall this but she told me as soon as she came in I yelled ” I am supposed to be planning a birthday party not a funeral”

Next thing I remember I called my parents from the room. My parents live in California and had no idea what was going on. I somehow managed to tell them Bug did not make it. I do not know the words I said or the conversation at all. I barely remember calling them.

Someone finally came to the room after what felt like hours to tell us we can go say bye to her. I walked in and the room was a disaster. It was Anthony, my sister in law, My mother in law and father in law. We only had 30 minutes between all of us to say bye but it felt like 10. They handed her to me she was so cold and I remember praying in my mind to please let her wake up. I remember thinking there has to be a miracle this can’t be it. We had to pass her around to make sure everyone had their time.

After our time was up we walked to the car. The walk to the car was one of the most painful things I have gone through. To go to a hospital with a child and be forced to leave and go home without them. It felt like I was forced to go home and carry on with life like I just didn’t leave my child with strangers. It may have just been her body but I left my daughter at a hospital with strangers… what was worst is we were sent home with no answers to what and why this happened to her…

On the way home I remember thinking how do I tell my 7 year old son his sister is no longer here. I kept thinking how could I comfort or take care of him if I am not ok. I was hoping he would be asleep so I did not have to face him with this conversation.

We got home and he was there sitting on the couch and he asked me where his sister was. I somehow had the strength to tell him she was gone and had to explain she would not be coming back…

  • Reply
    Vanessa
    January 31, 2019 at 9:42 pm

    Ur an amazing strong beautiful mother who was blessed to be pickd to be bugs mommy! Shes takin care of u evryday of life! U amaze me love!

  • Reply
    Jesse
    February 8, 2019 at 11:55 pm

    Oh Vanessa. I can’t read this without crying. Unimaginable pain. I’m so so sorry and wish I could take that pain away. I can’t imagine losing a child and I’m so sorry you had to experience it. I look up to you every day because of your strength, Anthony as well. I hope my dad and your sweet bug meet in heaven.

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