Bug's Life

Bug’s Life: My Daughter’s Last Day

January 30, 2019

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I’ve began to write this blog over and over since I started my blog. I never knew where to start. Do I start when we found out Bug had cancer? The days leading up to why we took her to the hospital? Do I describe the events or how I felt? Or what we did the last day she was on earth? Every time I would begin to write I would just delete and put my laptop away. I finally decided I would go with a series but that was 7 months ago and I haven’t had the strength to write it until today. Why today? Because the 7 year anniversary of my daughters death is days away. To be honest last week I had forgotten that the day was approaching. I was focused on Alix’s 3rd birthday and I do not feel guilty that I forgot that the day is coming. I’ve been grieving for nearly 7 years and the fact that I was able to be distracted and take each day by day feels like a stepping stone to me. I miss and think about her everyday but the pain I had associated with her life has been taken over by only the happy moments I had with her. To be able to smile about her life and not come to tears is what I feel she wants. During her moments of pain while going through her procedures and treatment she smiled. Now I feel like I got that from her. 

If you are confused reading this. I am talking about my daughter who would be turning 9 this year. We lost her due to cancer complications. It was 2 treatments away from remission and 2 weeks shy of her 2nd birthday. I will be doing this series out of order. This blog is about her last day on earth. The events and my emotions.

January 31, 2012 started off as a normal day. We wanted to get Alexia a big girl car seat and “The Great Trade In” at Babies R Us was going on. So we went to Babies R Us to shop. We looked at car seats and we decided on the one we wanted BUT we did not get it. Bug and I were planning on going to California on February 3 and we just decided to buy it when we got back after our trip. There was a  sushi/mongolian bbq place in the same shopping center so we decided to go there to eat. We had not had mongolian bbq since we moved from California so we were excited. Bug was typically really good at restaurants because she loved to eat but that day she was fussy. We assumed she was just tired. We finished eating and left right away to get her home to nap.

After her nap we picked up Adam from school. We decided to go to Marshalls and kill time before Adam’s t-ball tryouts. In Marshalls she was fussy and crying. After 5 minutes in the store we left. We assumed she was hungry so we went to Jack in the Box. She loved the chicken strips. We handed her her food and she continued to cry and did not eat. We got home and she vomited. It was almost 2 weeks post chemo so we thought it was just side effects. I gave her some zofran and it seemed to work but she was very lethargic. I called the on-call Dr and he just told us to keep an eye on her. We went in the backyard to practice some baseball with Adam before tryouts. She was just laying in Anthony’s arms the entire time. Awake and not moving or making much noise. We figured she was just relaxed. Anthony decided to stay with her and I took Adam to his tryouts.

During tryouts Anthony kept me updated on her. When I got home she was fussy again so I called the Dr again. He told me to give her benadryl and bring her in the morning. I gave her the recommended dose and she projectile vomited everywhere. I did not know if she even got any and she continued to fuss. Anthony was holding her and I gave her half of the recommended dose to make sure… She swallowed and then her body went limp. I screamed. Is she still breathing? and he yelled “Go get my mom” We brought her to my mother in law’s room and they yelled call 911. So I got on the phone and called 911. My mother in law and Anthony were giving her CPR as I talked to the dispatcher. I do not remember the conversation with the dispatcher I just remember telling her where are they? They are taking too long! I still do not know if the people around me were moving, taking their time, or if time just felt so slow. I do not know how long it took for the paramedics to get there but it felt like they were taking their time coming in and taking over. I called he Dr again… I was freaking out thinking maybe he would have the answers to what happened if I explained the story again. He just said let them handle it and it will be ok. After what seemed like forever they packed up and told us they were taking her to the hospital. They told me to hop in the fire truck. I got in the truck and felt again that they were taking their time. The fireman was putting the address in the gps and I asked him if she was going to be ok and he just responded it doesn’t look good…

 

TO BE CONTINUED…

 

 

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