A friend of mine and I were talking about relationship insecurities and he said something along the lines of “You and Anthony don’t have to worry about that stuff.” My friend is a dad who is single and he only sees my life on social media. That got me thinking that people often think my life is rainbows and unicorns because of what they see on social media. I’ll be honest I do have the perfect marriage in my eyes but what most people don’t know is the insecurities and fears I have. I want to share this because we often don’t talk about our insecurities and let’s face it when we scroll through our feed we want to see all the happy stuff and sharing insecurities and failures is not something we want to see on a daily basis.
I walk a fine line of being an optimist and being realist. Sometimes my realist side gets the best of me. I have been with my husband since we were both 14 but closer to 15. I fear one day he will just wake up and ask himself “Is this what I really want?” Now he has never done anything or said anything to get me to feel this way which is why I call it my fear. He gets really upset when I say this because to him that means I do not have faith in our marriage and him. Which I completely understand it sounds like that but that is not how I feel. I feel that nothing is ever set in stone. My heart says I have a love that will last forever but my brain takes over my heart and tells me we have so many more years of life changes and obstacles ahead and to be more realistic. I know this heart and brain issue stems from the loss of my daughter. People and Doctors always telling me it will be ok, she’s a fighter and giving me the statistics of her cancer. I put so much faith in that and when statistics and faith didn’t win I became more of a realist.
Now I want to share my insecurity. I feel I married more than what I deserve. In my eyes my husband is the greatest person alive. He is my best friend and I feel he deserves the world, but I lack the confidence that I do give that[the world] to him or can give that to him. I put more focus on the kids. All he expects from me is to care for our kids. I feel guilty when he comes home to a not so clean house or do not have the energy to cook. He does not expect this from me but I feel like it is the least I can do for all he does for me. He encourages me, appreciates every little thing I do, understands when the house is a mess and we order a pizza. When he comes home I don’t even need to ask for help. He will pick up the house and or start dinner if I have not. He always asks me “what can I do for you?” when he gets home. (He’s also super hot, an amazing dad, vacuums and mops hahahaha) They say you need to love yourself before you can love someone else but I have been with my husband since I was 14. I loved him before I knew how to love myself. It is difficult to learn to love yourself when you have already dedicated the love you had to someone you think is so incredible. I enjoy giving my husband all the love I have because he gives it back but I know that I will always feel I married better than what I deserve until I learn to love myself the way I love him.
I know for many my personal feelings are miniscule compared to what they are insecure about or fear in their marriage or relationship and couldn’t agree more from what I hear and read about other marriages. I am sharing my story to show that the perfect marriage does have fears and insecurities even though you do not see it. I do not want my life story to be a facade of perfection. I want to be real and an open book.